The Days Grow Longer

After cruising through the holidays, I am here to admit that I am in a waiting rut. It was that last update that really did me in. As much as I am happy that we can probably expect good news in the next two weeks or so, having a tangible target has made waiting harder. Everyday that news doesn't come seems to confirm that lurking fear (the one that probably sits in the back of the minds all parents in the process of adoption) that something might go wrong, take longer, shut down, etc. It doesn't help that I have friends who have waited much longer and more patiently than I have whose adoptions continue to drag out beyond all reasonable expectations. Thus, in a strange twist of logic, the closer we actually get the farther and less likely Mtoto joining our family actually seems.

Now, let me assure you that I am functioning quite normally and not sitting in a dark room pulling out my hair. I have read enough books that I can pretty much psychoanalyze myself. Losing Leah continues to affect me. The closer we get to bringing Mtoto home, the more real he becomes, and the more painful it will be to lose him if something does go wrong. Thus, in a misguided fit of self-protection, I am starting to detach a bit, and start to contemplate all the things that might go wrong in the adoption process, or could happen to Mtoto. I am very creative and come up with some very odd things, some more likely than others. I even found myself thinking today (this in reference to some issues that are happening with the US embassy), well, if they do (insert only slightly crazy idea that would prolong the adoption 2 to 4 months), at least I won't be surprised. Really?!? Is this how I want to spend my time? Does thinking about it affect my actual circumstances? Would being prepared really make the pain of losing Mtoto or having our process drag out better? No!

This week I am going to make a concentrated effort to stop thinking about what might go wrong, and instead to pray for peace, the ability to trust in God's timing, the integrity of our adoption process, and Mtoto's safety. Pray with me if you will. If not, next week I might be sitting in a dark room pulling out my hair...