Chaos

I'm not really sure how I feel. We have been through a roller coaster of emotions, and we are in for days, if not weeks, of uncertainty.

Let's review: June 24th is Leah's birthday. Sometime between now and then, we may or may not be receiving a referral. Our agency clearly thinks they are going to get something done, because they have asked us to time our visas to arrive in Uganda on the 26th of June (really it will have to be the 27th because of flight schedules). But, they don't know for sure if we are going yet, so we do not have tickets. I checked ticket prices a few hours ago, and wow, if God doesn't do something big we are not going to be able to afford to go. Last minute travel is not cheap, especially to Uganda. To be fair, I haven't checked with a travel agent yet, so things may be a little better than they seem. However, we would need them to be a lot better to get anywhere near to the price we had budgeted to pay.

Right now I am really struggling. This is the exact opposite of how I like things. Too much uncertainty, and too many things to do to prepare for all of the possibilities. Here are my biggest fears:

1. That no referral will come and we will find out that we are not going, right in time for Leah's birthday, a day that was already going to be very very hard. I cannot even fathom what that combination of grief and disappointment would feel like, and I do not want to find out.

2. That a referral will come, but that we will not be able to afford tickets OR that the referral will come but we will not get an early enough court date and I will have live with the reality that I have a child that I am not taking care of.

3. That a referral will come, and so will the court date, but it will require us to fly before Leah's birthday and I won't get to have the time to do the things I had planned to mark the day (obviously this is the least bad of my three worst case scenarios, but I still don't like it).

I wish that I could just tell my agency that we want to wait until August so that we could afford tickets, however there is a disadvantage to us waiting until then (besides knowing that we have a child living in an orphanage). My mom is planning on coming to Africa after our court dates finish so that Jeff can fly home and get back to work. She starts school at the end of August, so if we have a court date in August she won't be able to come. Lots of wasted shots!

Pray that we will have peace while we wait on God's timing for this. Right now I feel like He may be a little nuts. I have no idea how He could make any of this come together and possibly work out. Yet, I also know that His ways are not my ways. Today is one of those days when I wish that I was still one of those people whose lives always work. It is so, so easy to trust God when situations seem to work out nicely no matter what, and you can just assume that if something seems unfortunate it is only because God is planning an even better surprise to make you even happier. Ugh.

So, clearly we need prayer. I figure by posting a little window into my insanity, I might even get some extra sympathy prayers. You can't blame me for trying.