Friday, 1 May 2009

Where We're At

This week has been rough, but not nearly as hard as I would have expected it to be. We feel disappointing by the loss of our referral, but we feel truly comforted by the knowledge that the baby will be raised by his family. Compared to what we have been through with losing Leah, losing a referral is akin to stubbing our left toe after having our right leg torn off. The pain and its aftermath just don't compare.

It has been difficult to let go of the dream of what raising that baby would be like, and I think when we get our actual referral it might be hard not to compare it to the one we lost. That concerns me, especially since Isaac apparently has been working on a back-up plan for sometime and may be able to get us another referral in the next few weeks (although I am NOT holding my breath).

This loss has confirmed our instinct that international adoption would be less emotionally harrowing during the referral process than domestic adoption. It is nice that the loss of this referral has nothing to do with me, or someone's judgment about the kind of parents Jeff and I might be, or the kind of life that we will provide a child (which would be GOOD, if I do say so myself). I actually appreciate how impersonal this aspect of the process is. During the application and homestudy process you get poked and prodded and judged enough, and I'm sure we will feel the same way once we get to court, but in the meantime it is great to feel like we are being evaluated on a test we already passed.

Last Sunday I was talking with some friends about how difficult it is to put your heart on the line repeatedly, and how loss issues have complicated the process of our adoption. Our bodies rejected our bid to raise a child. We have now gone through two "referrals" that have not worked out, both of which appeared to be "perfect," "best-case-scenario" situations for us. We don't understand why God has allowed us to go through the seemingly unnecessary pain of losing these adoption possibilities, when we would have been perfectly content if they had never been offered to us. Still, we rest in the assurance that His plan for us will herald His glory. God blessed us abundantly with Leah, and we continue to hope that He will bless us with another child through adoption. We just wish we could see the end of this journey.

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