Today marks one year since Leah's initial diagnosis. One year ago, Jeff and I got up early to make it to the first ultrasound appointment of the morning. Jeff wanted to be there, of course, but he also had to think about work. We were so excited to find out whether we were having a boy or a girl. We spent the whole walk to the hospital talking about who was right about the sex, and what we would name the baby, and how we would announce all of the new information to our family and friends. We had so many plans.
Although it became apparent very soon after the ultrasound began that something was not right, the gravity of the situation didn't hit me until we left the office, with no answers and lots of false reassurances. As we entered into the elevator to leave I began to sob uncontrollably. Perhaps "hysterically" would be a more accurate description. I cried, wracked with fear and anxiety, all the way home.
Even as I lay in bed that day, waiting for our second ultrasound and begging God to spare my baby, I had a very clear sense that healing was not his plan for us. My prayers changed. I began to ask for time, for experiences, for bonding. He answered those prayers.
Although I know that it has been a year since we began this journey, in many ways it feels like it has been a much shorter period of time. I think it seems closer because I can so clearly recollect my feelings on that day. The helplessness, the despair, the longing still feel so fresh. Losing Leah has made a deep imprint on my soul.
Although it became apparent very soon after the ultrasound began that something was not right, the gravity of the situation didn't hit me until we left the office, with no answers and lots of false reassurances. As we entered into the elevator to leave I began to sob uncontrollably. Perhaps "hysterically" would be a more accurate description. I cried, wracked with fear and anxiety, all the way home.
Even as I lay in bed that day, waiting for our second ultrasound and begging God to spare my baby, I had a very clear sense that healing was not his plan for us. My prayers changed. I began to ask for time, for experiences, for bonding. He answered those prayers.
Although I know that it has been a year since we began this journey, in many ways it feels like it has been a much shorter period of time. I think it seems closer because I can so clearly recollect my feelings on that day. The helplessness, the despair, the longing still feel so fresh. Losing Leah has made a deep imprint on my soul.
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3 comments:
Mine too. Love you both.
I remember that time too. My heart aches for both of you. I wish I knew the right words to say to offer some amazing wisdom or comfort. All I can come up with is that I love you both and though I never met her, I will never forget Leah.
I remember too Amy, I'll never forget mom, dad, and i huddling together and praying after we got the call that something might be wrong. I'm so glad God answered your prayers to have time with Leah. I love you guys.
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