I recently made a trip to the library and picked up some books on adoption parenting and bonding. As I read through one of the books, Parenting the Hurt Child, I came across a list of things to do with your child. One of the items on the list: "Buy a beautiful candle. Light it for the people you and the child miss," moved me immediately to tears.
The adoption journey is frequently presented as one of loss. Many parents come to adoption after infertility or losing a child. All children who are adopted have lost the care of their birth parents, and many lose all connection to their families and birth cultures.
Even as we prepare for the joy of another baby, we continue to grieve the one we lost. Even though our child will learn to trust and love us and find comfort in our care, he or she will mourn the voices, faces, smells, and textures of their early life. We will all wonder "what if?" for the rest of our lives. What if our genes hadn't been corrupted? What if my mom and dad had lived, or hadn't contracted AIDS, or had the money to feed me?
Although I have learned to cope with my own pain due to loss, I find that it is very difficult to ponder the losses of my future child, and the pain that they will have to go through in order to become eligible to be mine. It saddens me that loss will be such an integral part of our family experience.
One day we will light that candle together and think about the loved ones separated from us. The joy we will have in finding each other and being a family comes with a price. Although our family through adoption wouldn't be a family in a world with no suffering or famines or death, we know that our sorrows will be redeemed through God's work to bring us together. His love will take our broken pieces and make us whole.
The adoption journey is frequently presented as one of loss. Many parents come to adoption after infertility or losing a child. All children who are adopted have lost the care of their birth parents, and many lose all connection to their families and birth cultures.
Even as we prepare for the joy of another baby, we continue to grieve the one we lost. Even though our child will learn to trust and love us and find comfort in our care, he or she will mourn the voices, faces, smells, and textures of their early life. We will all wonder "what if?" for the rest of our lives. What if our genes hadn't been corrupted? What if my mom and dad had lived, or hadn't contracted AIDS, or had the money to feed me?
Although I have learned to cope with my own pain due to loss, I find that it is very difficult to ponder the losses of my future child, and the pain that they will have to go through in order to become eligible to be mine. It saddens me that loss will be such an integral part of our family experience.
One day we will light that candle together and think about the loved ones separated from us. The joy we will have in finding each other and being a family comes with a price. Although our family through adoption wouldn't be a family in a world with no suffering or famines or death, we know that our sorrows will be redeemed through God's work to bring us together. His love will take our broken pieces and make us whole.
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1 comment:
I think your past is going to make your future an amazing life for a child who has suffered loss. Y'all have some very special gifts to give. I'm excited to join you in prayer for your adoption journey. So glad to hear you have a great lawyer!
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