I have tried to post some of the resources that we have found helpful while dealing with our loss. The book Intimate Allies has been a wonderful tool for us, even though this book has absolutely nothing to do with grief. But it does deal with something that grief greatly affects: marriage.
Losing a child impacts a marriage. The stress of grief and the pain of coping with loss can push people in different directions. Navigating grief together can be difficult. Some days one person feels bad and the other person doesn't. That feeling of disconnect is very isolating. Jeff and I received some very sound advice early on in this journey, when a friend shared with me that in her experience parents often go through grief differently, and that we needed to be prepared to give each other space and to be understanding.
I picked up Intimate Allies because "working on your marriage" is one of the things suggested during adoption education. I figured it couldn't hurt, and I had read some of Allender and Longman's work in the past, and really enjoyed their perspective. I read the book, as I am the reader in our marriage, and shared some of the principles with Jeff, then we began doing the questions together. For the most part the questions have sparked great conversation and lead us to really open up with each other.
What I really appreciate about this book is that it isn't just about getting along with your spouse, it is about joining with your spouse (as "intimate allies") to discover who you are, stand firm against chaos, help each other grow, become one, and fight against sin. This book reminded me of what I vowed to Jeff on our wedding day, and it was so much more than that we would "just" get along.
I pledged: "To love and support from you this day forward for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live. I will strive to consider your needs and best interest in all that we do. I will be faithful to you. I will support you in your endeavors, and I will pray for God's will to be done in our lives."
How can Jeff and I fulfill this pledge that we made if we do not actively work to seek the best from each other? This book has really recalibrated my focus. Although our life together has never been harder than it has been in this past year, this hardship has brought us even closer together. I have never been more secure in my marriage than I am now, and that is saying a lot because our marriage has never been hard. This book is a great one for all married couples- whether you are grieving or not. However, for those of us who have the burden of grief weighing on our marriages, having a resource like this is especially helpful.
Losing a child impacts a marriage. The stress of grief and the pain of coping with loss can push people in different directions. Navigating grief together can be difficult. Some days one person feels bad and the other person doesn't. That feeling of disconnect is very isolating. Jeff and I received some very sound advice early on in this journey, when a friend shared with me that in her experience parents often go through grief differently, and that we needed to be prepared to give each other space and to be understanding.
I picked up Intimate Allies because "working on your marriage" is one of the things suggested during adoption education. I figured it couldn't hurt, and I had read some of Allender and Longman's work in the past, and really enjoyed their perspective. I read the book, as I am the reader in our marriage, and shared some of the principles with Jeff, then we began doing the questions together. For the most part the questions have sparked great conversation and lead us to really open up with each other.
What I really appreciate about this book is that it isn't just about getting along with your spouse, it is about joining with your spouse (as "intimate allies") to discover who you are, stand firm against chaos, help each other grow, become one, and fight against sin. This book reminded me of what I vowed to Jeff on our wedding day, and it was so much more than that we would "just" get along.
I pledged: "To love and support from you this day forward for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live. I will strive to consider your needs and best interest in all that we do. I will be faithful to you. I will support you in your endeavors, and I will pray for God's will to be done in our lives."
How can Jeff and I fulfill this pledge that we made if we do not actively work to seek the best from each other? This book has really recalibrated my focus. Although our life together has never been harder than it has been in this past year, this hardship has brought us even closer together. I have never been more secure in my marriage than I am now, and that is saying a lot because our marriage has never been hard. This book is a great one for all married couples- whether you are grieving or not. However, for those of us who have the burden of grief weighing on our marriages, having a resource like this is especially helpful.
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1 comment:
Early on, George and I were encouraged to remember that one's spouse is not the enemy. (Try and get that Julia Robert's film out of your mind).
And now, years later (18 in September, which is just CRAZY), we still, in the midst of chaos (like, um, now) look at each other and have to verbalize the statement, "You are not my enemy."
It's humbling.
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