On February 1, 2008 Jeff and I found out we were pregnant. Even though I knew before we confirmed it, seeing that plus sign still shocked me in a way. It was real. We were having a baby. Our lives would be changing forever. It was a fun day.
That night we had dinner at a friend's house, and a funny story was told about one of the kids saying something about Jeff and me being pregnant, and her mom quickly correcting her, and assuring her that we were not having a baby. Jeff and smiled at each other and squeezed hands under the table, because we knew we were.
Today we begin to move into our pregnancy milestones; the day we found out, the day we announced, and ultimately, the day we were told that something was terribly wrong. It continues to amaze me how in tune my body is with my emotionally state. On these milestone days I wake up feeling tired, usually have an upset stomach, and often also have headaches and a sore throat. I feel physically bad even if I'm not particularly sad on those days. I always think that maybe I'm coming down with something, but then the next day I feel fine.
Usually on these days I take it easy and rest as much as possible, but today I have a lot going on. This morning we had our fourth annual all-church Chili Cook Off, which I had to attend because I help run it. This year we had our biggest turn-out yet, 28 chili entrants and well over 200 people attending. Tonight I will go to a Super Bowl party. On top of all of this, Jeff is working this weekend, so he hasn't been home since Thursday morning. It is much harder to grieve alone.
I have a hard time believing it has been a year since we started this journey. Experiencing pregnancy milestones, and moving towards the anniversary of Leah's birth and death really emphasizes how long it has been. Many things are getting easier. Socializing doesn't make me anxious anymore, and it used to be a very difficult thing to do. I have learned to handle rude comments, and most people avoid the subject now anyway. Also, I don't worry as much that I will have an emotional breakdown. Maybe I have just gotten so used to crying that I am less sensitive about where and when I cry.
The problem is, as things get easier I think they also get harder. People expect that you are "done" when you aren't even close. I will never be "over" this. I will never not miss Leah, and I will never forget about her. She was too precious to me for that.
That night we had dinner at a friend's house, and a funny story was told about one of the kids saying something about Jeff and me being pregnant, and her mom quickly correcting her, and assuring her that we were not having a baby. Jeff and smiled at each other and squeezed hands under the table, because we knew we were.
Today we begin to move into our pregnancy milestones; the day we found out, the day we announced, and ultimately, the day we were told that something was terribly wrong. It continues to amaze me how in tune my body is with my emotionally state. On these milestone days I wake up feeling tired, usually have an upset stomach, and often also have headaches and a sore throat. I feel physically bad even if I'm not particularly sad on those days. I always think that maybe I'm coming down with something, but then the next day I feel fine.
Usually on these days I take it easy and rest as much as possible, but today I have a lot going on. This morning we had our fourth annual all-church Chili Cook Off, which I had to attend because I help run it. This year we had our biggest turn-out yet, 28 chili entrants and well over 200 people attending. Tonight I will go to a Super Bowl party. On top of all of this, Jeff is working this weekend, so he hasn't been home since Thursday morning. It is much harder to grieve alone.
I have a hard time believing it has been a year since we started this journey. Experiencing pregnancy milestones, and moving towards the anniversary of Leah's birth and death really emphasizes how long it has been. Many things are getting easier. Socializing doesn't make me anxious anymore, and it used to be a very difficult thing to do. I have learned to handle rude comments, and most people avoid the subject now anyway. Also, I don't worry as much that I will have an emotional breakdown. Maybe I have just gotten so used to crying that I am less sensitive about where and when I cry.
The problem is, as things get easier I think they also get harder. People expect that you are "done" when you aren't even close. I will never be "over" this. I will never not miss Leah, and I will never forget about her. She was too precious to me for that.
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3 comments:
I remember that night around our dinner table :).
Of course you will never be "done". It will never be "over". I certainly don't expect it to "end".
I am excited for your future, however, and new milestones will be arriving - not to bump Leah's, and not to replace them. Simply, new one's.
You are doing great!
I hear you, Amy. I dread reliving my "Leah milestones" and the things that happened last spring/summer. It is hard.
No, you will never be over it...and that's okay.
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