This week Jeff and I took part in a parent panel at a perinatal loss seminar for nurses in the Chicago area who work in Labor and Delivery and Neonatal Intensive Care Units. We were one of four families who agreed to share their stories. Two of the families had unexpected and unexplained stillbirths, and the other family believed they had a healthy pregnancy but found out within days following birth that their daughter would not survive for very long. As the only couple that had any warning and time to prepare for our baby's death, it was very odd to note the similarities and differences in our experiences. I am very grateful that we had a period of time to get ready for Leah's birth. As hard as it was to continue our pregnancy knowing that the outcome would be terrible, it is clear to me that the time we had to process our loss benefited us (and of course, benefited Leah, which is most important). We had time to make a birth plan, find a photographer, order an outfit, make blankets, and make the outlines of a funeral plan. We were able to have our family and friends surrounding us when the time arrived to deliver.
Hearing the stories of the other families was difficult. The hardest thing for me was seeing how burdened by grief they still were, when all of them had losses that were farther away than our loss of Leah. Honestly, half of what gets me through each day is the thought that someday things might get better. Seeing other parents in a place that doesn't appear to be much better than where I am right now two, three, or five years down the road was really discouraging. I came home from this event emotionally and physically drained. Based on what I saw the future looks grim. I struggled to do anything for the rest of the afternoon, and ended up settling on making a casserole for the freezer and doing some quilting because I just didn't have the energy for school work. I am thankful that we had a chance to share our experience so that hopefully other couples going through a perinatal loss will receive compassionate care.
I have previously shared how much having beautiful pictures of Leah has meant to us as we grieve. We have an almost completed scrapbook, a regular album, and pictures on our walls. Having those pictures has been a great comfort and a wonderful way to share our experience with our friends and family. One of the things that was very important to me yesterday was to emphasize the importance of pictures to our grief journey, and share with the nurses the mission of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep to provide grieving parents with professional photographs free of charge. I had contacted our photographer, Deanna, and she sent me NILMDTS brochures to take with me, and I also brought a few of our photos. I was amazed that many of the nurses had never heard of NILMDTS, and was pleased to pass out almost all of the brochures and show off our photos of Leah so they could see the quality of the NILMDTS photographer's work. It was really nice to be able to share this resource with the nurses, and I hope that they will spread the word to other nurses and grieving parents.
Hearing the stories of the other families was difficult. The hardest thing for me was seeing how burdened by grief they still were, when all of them had losses that were farther away than our loss of Leah. Honestly, half of what gets me through each day is the thought that someday things might get better. Seeing other parents in a place that doesn't appear to be much better than where I am right now two, three, or five years down the road was really discouraging. I came home from this event emotionally and physically drained. Based on what I saw the future looks grim. I struggled to do anything for the rest of the afternoon, and ended up settling on making a casserole for the freezer and doing some quilting because I just didn't have the energy for school work. I am thankful that we had a chance to share our experience so that hopefully other couples going through a perinatal loss will receive compassionate care.
I have previously shared how much having beautiful pictures of Leah has meant to us as we grieve. We have an almost completed scrapbook, a regular album, and pictures on our walls. Having those pictures has been a great comfort and a wonderful way to share our experience with our friends and family. One of the things that was very important to me yesterday was to emphasize the importance of pictures to our grief journey, and share with the nurses the mission of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep to provide grieving parents with professional photographs free of charge. I had contacted our photographer, Deanna, and she sent me NILMDTS brochures to take with me, and I also brought a few of our photos. I was amazed that many of the nurses had never heard of NILMDTS, and was pleased to pass out almost all of the brochures and show off our photos of Leah so they could see the quality of the NILMDTS photographer's work. It was really nice to be able to share this resource with the nurses, and I hope that they will spread the word to other nurses and grieving parents.
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2 comments:
Hey! The future is not grim. Don't be discouraged. Everyone deals with grief on their own terms, in their own way, and for different amounts of time. When you lose a child it's like all of the sudden you have this huge jigsaw puzzle to put together, to figure out why this has happened to you, and sometimes it takes other longer to put their puzzle together. Alot of it is motivation. Motivating myself to find the purpose to my loss was huge at aiding my recovery. 2 years later I think I had my 'puzzle' put together and was really doing great. Now it's been five years, and another loss later, and I'm still truckin'! Someone once told me to think of life from standing in an elevator. Everyone has the potential to make it to the top. But somepeople might end up having to take the stairs! Little harder, but they'll get there!
Hang in there, and always encourage other's to do so too! Everything gets better, but you really have to want it to get better.
Take Care!
I agree with Kathryn. It has been almost sixteen years since Colleen was born. Although the grief is not overwhelming anymore, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. Leah was a part of you, and that will be with you forever. The pain of losing her will never go away, but it will get easier in time. How much time...who knows. It's different for everyone. It took courage for you and Jeff to share your story. I'm sure that the staff found it helpful and will use your experience to help other families.
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