What better time than holy week to ponder the ugliness of sin and the darkness it brings? Some pretty rough things have been going on with my extended family these last few weeks. I can't share the situation because the problems are not directly mine, but suffice to say there has been a great deal of misery and difficulty afflicting us. The saddest part is that the circumstances we labor under were completely avoidable, but long ingrained patterns of selfishness, anger, and retaliation have finally brought them about. Sin is ugly when it finally comes to the surface.
I went home to California two weeks ago to help with the salvage work. The trip was unexpected and last minute, but I welcomed the opportunity to be useful and helpful, and to have enough busy work to distract me from grief and from the anxiety of waiting for news about the adoption. It was a really rough trip. Usually when I come home I have time to relax and see friends: not so this time. It was hard to be home and not have time to see all the people I love. Also, I was completely exhausted. Staring at hard and unpleasant truths about people you love is physically and emotionally draining. At times I felt very angry, but mostly I was sad, although sometimes I was too tired to feel much of anything.
After church on Sunday my Aunt was talking about the situation, and how we all need to have an attitude of forgiveness. She was right, of course. I desire the freedom from anger that forgiveness brings, but it is so difficult to actually forgive. I am working on it.
Lately it seems like I have to work on many things: forgiveness, trust, relinquishing my desires and plans, letting going of anxiety, learning to live in uncertainty, appreciating what I have instead of focusing on what I lack, and balancing sorrow with my urge to move forward. I have been thinking of the first few verses of Romans 5:
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Am I rejoicing in my sufferings? Not exactly. I am more resigned to them than anything else. However, we have repeatedly seen God work through our loss, and we do rejoice in that. It has produced perseverance. I have daily proof of this. But what about character? I suspect that is what God is working on right now, despite having been repeatedly informed by me that I am sure I have enough character. The other night Jeff and I were praying and I completely broke down. All I could say in between tears and sobs was "God send us help, send us a victory." We are so tired, we are so frayed. A number of problems have cropped up lately that are completely unrelated to our grief, we find it difficult to balance the burden of those things along our mourning and our waiting. I feel like I am juggling anvils.
I went home to California two weeks ago to help with the salvage work. The trip was unexpected and last minute, but I welcomed the opportunity to be useful and helpful, and to have enough busy work to distract me from grief and from the anxiety of waiting for news about the adoption. It was a really rough trip. Usually when I come home I have time to relax and see friends: not so this time. It was hard to be home and not have time to see all the people I love. Also, I was completely exhausted. Staring at hard and unpleasant truths about people you love is physically and emotionally draining. At times I felt very angry, but mostly I was sad, although sometimes I was too tired to feel much of anything.
After church on Sunday my Aunt was talking about the situation, and how we all need to have an attitude of forgiveness. She was right, of course. I desire the freedom from anger that forgiveness brings, but it is so difficult to actually forgive. I am working on it.
Lately it seems like I have to work on many things: forgiveness, trust, relinquishing my desires and plans, letting going of anxiety, learning to live in uncertainty, appreciating what I have instead of focusing on what I lack, and balancing sorrow with my urge to move forward. I have been thinking of the first few verses of Romans 5:
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Am I rejoicing in my sufferings? Not exactly. I am more resigned to them than anything else. However, we have repeatedly seen God work through our loss, and we do rejoice in that. It has produced perseverance. I have daily proof of this. But what about character? I suspect that is what God is working on right now, despite having been repeatedly informed by me that I am sure I have enough character. The other night Jeff and I were praying and I completely broke down. All I could say in between tears and sobs was "God send us help, send us a victory." We are so tired, we are so frayed. A number of problems have cropped up lately that are completely unrelated to our grief, we find it difficult to balance the burden of those things along our mourning and our waiting. I feel like I am juggling anvils.
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2 comments:
Ditto.
Hallejuah, that we have access by faith to this grace in which we stand!!!
I hope you can give those anvils to Jesus soon
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