Redemption

I have been reflecting a great deal on redemption these days. Our adoption of Tommy has come about only because all three of us experienced great loss. If Tommy still had his parents, and we still had Leah, we would not be a family.

We live in an imperfect world. A world where genes get mangled and babies die, and where parents deal with harsh circumstances that lead them to give up their children. There is so much pain and suffering in those losses. We still miss Leah and we always will. Tommy will always wonder about his biological parents and miss them. But, through no fault of Tommy's or ours, our biological families could not exist. This is where the redemption begins.

God took our tattered hearts and lives and began to mend them together. He rescued Tommy and placed him in an orphanage in Ibanda, in the arms of a loving Sister. He caused our lawyer to place a phone call at the moment that she was holding him, and when Isaac said, "Sister, will you give me a baby?" She responded, "You can have the one in my arms." Our Tommy.

God took the sorrow and pain of deep losses and has offered us all hope and restoration. We can't have Leah, but we can have a beautiful child. Tommy can't have his birth parents, but he does have a mum and dad. The suffering is still there, the hurt is still there. It will always be there. But the redemption is there as well.

Our family may be patched together from pain, but it is beautiful nonetheless, because our God is one who restores and redeems.

At Least He Tells The Truth

Tommy has never had trouble communicating his wants and needs. However, Jeff and I were getting a bit tired of his methods- laughing for yes (fine) and screaming for no (not fine). Thus we have been working very hard on nodding. He is getting pretty good and doing it without prompting.

Yesterday while playing in the living room, he ventured over to the desk and began slapping a pile of papers I had stacked up on the edge, waiting to be filed. I said, "Tommy, those aren't for you." And he backed up a few steps, looked at me, then lunged back towards the papers and tried to pull them down.

"Tommy, No! I just told you to stop. Are you being bad on purpose?"
He slowly turns, looks into my eyes, and nods "Yes."

I have pictures, but no camera cord to post them. We are searching high and low tomorrow and will have them up soon! Moving it is going ok...still too many boxes for my taste. Tommy's IEP evaluations went well, and I will post on that experience soon.

Vagabonds No More

Well, things are never quite as easy as you might hope they will be. We were supposed to move in last Monday, but when I went to take the first bags over, I noticed the carpet was dirty. Very dirty. And it had a funny smell. I knew it had been cleaned, but it was soiled beyond even the magic that professional cleaners can work.

If you know me well, then you know that my apartment is rarely "professionally" clean, so if I was disturbed by the level of dirt in the carpet, you can guess how bad it was. However, our new landlord is a gem. I called and mentioned our concern, and he said he understood because we had the little one crawling around, but that he would have to see if it could be cleaned again. Later in the afternoon I got a call from his wife, saying he decided instead to replace the carpeting, and could I let the carpet guy in to measure. They couldn't install until the end of the week though, so we stayed put until yesterday. We were staying with extremely hospitable and loving people, who understood and offered to let us stay the extra week instead of camping out on the dirty carpet.

Yesterday we moved! It was fast and easy, and we are so happy to have a place of our own. There will be pictures as soon as we can unpack and set up our computer.

Tommy had his first shots this week- horrible to watch, but no reactions at all. We also found out that he is now in the 25th percentile for height, weight, and head circumference. He grew 3/4 of an inch in a month! This week we start with IEP evaluations, things will be very busy. Last week he also started a one day a week program at our church, and he did great. I am a bit worried that he had a great time and didn't miss me at all, but we'll talk it over with the attachment specialist and see what she says. I hold firm to the (probable delusion) that he understood what I was saying when I said I was coming back...

Stop Three

We have moved once again.

Tommy with Grandma Janie in the parking lot of the lab guest house

Playing with some new toys in our hotel room

Tommy with Dad and Grandma Janie exploring DuPage County

We dropped Jeff's mom off at Midway on Sunday, went back to the guest house, loaded up the car, and moved to Downers Grove. We will be staying with a family here until our place opens up, which will hopefully be on the 15th or thereabouts. Tommy has, once again, transitioned well. He has found a new love- extremely large dogs. We are staying with two labs, and he is smitten.

In the backyard with one of his two new friends

At first he was curious, but a little afraid, but now he is tentatively extending his fingers to give the dogs a pat or a poke. He throws back his head and laughs whenever he gets smacked with a tail. He has begun stalking the dogs through the house, gingerly approaching them, then backing up quickly when they start to pay attention to him.

Playing in the backyard

Excuse me while I pose for this one

Swimming!

Good standing

Time to dry off

Jeff and I are hanging in there. God has really blessed us by placing us with families that he has gifted in the hospitality department. He has also seen fit to place us in homes where we can benefit from the examples of some very good, experienced parents, and families who understand the complications of adoption. Still, we are excited about establishing our new home, and waiting for that is hard. Living out of suitcases gets old. There are things that got packed that we should have kept with us, and it is frustrating to keep "making do."

Our boy

But we have a roof over our heads, a comfortable bed to sleep in, and plenty of food. Best of all, we have our boy, and life is good.

Our Nomadic Adventures

I am writing this update from the lobby of the guest house at Jeff's lab. I am waiting for our social worker to arrive for her first post-placement visit. I have baby-proofed our hotel room in an attempt to prove that homeless parents can be good parents too. We are completely out of our apartment and almost done dealing with our management company. Hopefully negotiations over the security deposit will go smoothly. We left the apartment very clean, so they should. Jeff stayed up all night on Monday spackling and cleaning and moving the last of our stuff.

We spent a few very restful days with a family from church who generously opened their home to us, fed us, and cared for us. We had been feeling so weary, but their hospitality refreshed us. It also didn't hurt that the dark shades in our room inspired Tommy to sleep in. I am planning to buy some similar shades as soon as we move into our new place. Also, Tommy was in heaven playing with all the kids (nine!). Seeing the older kids run around really encouraged him to stand up and do some serious walking. He is so close to giving up crawling...my baby is growing up!

Yesterday we packed our bags- our many, many bags-stuffed our little Corolla to the gills, and drove down to our new county: DuPage. We looked like the Beverly Hillbillies. I know it is sick, but I am so happy to be in the suburbs, and not just because sales tax is somewhere around seven percent. A very small patch for gardening awaits me at our new place, along with a scrap of grass for Tommy to play on. The houses are far apart, and there aren't apartment buildings wedged in every vacant space. Every place I could ever want to go or shop is within easy driving distance (no more LONG trips to Costco or Trader Joe's). I feel just like I am at home, and by home I mean Torrance.

Jeff's mom has arrived for a visit, so we are all staying together at the hotel. Thankfully Tommy is behaving very nicely for his Grandma. I was a tiny bit concerned that he might not allow us to all get enough sleep, or that he might not adjust well to yet another change of scenery, but so far so good. Today we took a nice walk at Waterfall Glen, the forest preserve that surrounds Jeff's lab. We never made it to the waterfall; since it is man-made we weren't excited about it enough to walk six miles to see it.

We still have no idea when we can move in to our new place. The best case scenario we were given was the 13th, worst case, the 19th. Hopefully we will have some idea soon.

An update on Tommy's health: all his bloodwork came back clean, and his parasite tests came back negative. The only problem they found was very mild anemia, which means we will have to test for sickle cell, but anemia is common in orphans and could be caused by his diet/former parasites. I am optimistic on the parasite front, but still cleaning up very carefully as false negatives are common. His stomach issues are intermittently ongoing. They could be caused by a parasite we did not detect, exposure to new foods, stress, or damage caused by his former parasite. It will probably be some time before he is normal in that area, but things have improved a lot, especially since he started his no fruit except bananas diet.

In Case You Were Wondering

Adding another member to your family actually decreases your manpower instead of increasing it. I thought Tommy would help wrap dishes, pack boxes, and sweep up mountains of packing peanuts to help with the move. Instead he wanted to be held, play games, and identify and get into the most dangerous thing in any given room. He actually made the move harder and not easier! Can you believe it???

All that to say the move is "done" but not done. I am ashamed to say it was the most ill-conceived and poorly planned moved I have ever participated in. The crazy part is, 48 hours ago Jeff and I thought we had it all under control. We were sure we were on schedule. But sometime yesterday afternoon it hit me that we had way more left to do than we thought. Then at around eleven PM I realized I was not going to get any sleep. At three AM I decided I was going to sleep, because I was falling asleep sitting up while packing. I made Jeff do the same.

This morning we called in reinforcements, which helped, but did not get things under control. Suffice to say, by the time our help arrived we were only partially prepared, and man, it is hard to move when you are only semi-ready and you have a toddler.

God has given us some very patient friends. Hopefully they are still our friends after today.

The move is not entirely complete. Some of the furniture that we have been trying to give away is still here, as well as everything we needed to survive tonight/tomorrow, our clothes for the next few weeks, Tommy's "Life-box," our boxes for Leah, and the china that I never had a chance to properly pack. The apartment is still filthy (side note: we have been asked again if we will leaving early so the repairs can be done. Our answer was a resounding and entirely truthful: NO- unless they want to do all the cleaning).

I am both emotionally and physically exhausted. We have lived in this apartment our entire married life, so this was really our first home together. That is hard to leave. But we have suffered so much here. We lost Jeff's Dad, and then Leah. It feels appropriate to find a new home for our family- one separated from those events. I know the pain isn't over, but I'm ready for it to be bordered by new walls.

Baby Melanie

¹⁷ For I am about to create new heavens
          and a new earth;
     the former things shall not be remembered
          or come to mind.
¹⁸ But be glad and rejoice forever
          in what I am creating;
     for I am about to create Jerusalem as a joy,
          and its people as a delight.
¹⁹ I will rejoice in Jerusalem,
          and delight in my people;
     no more shall the sound of weeping be heard in it,
          or the cry of distress.
²⁰ No more shall there be in it
          an infant that lives but a few days,
          or an old person who does not live out a lifetime;
     for one who dies at a hundred years will be considered a youth,
          and one who falls short of a hundred will be considered accursed.
²¹ They shall build houses and inhabit them;
          they shall plant vineyards and eat their fruit.
²² They shall not build and another inhabit;
          they shall not plant and another eat;
     for like the days of a tree shall the days of my people be,
          and my chosen shall long enjoy the work of their hands.
²³ They shall not labor in vain,
          or bear children for calamity;
     for they shall be offspring blessed by the LORD -
          and their descendants as well.
²⁴ Before they call I will answer,
          while they are yet speaking I will hear.
²⁵ The wolf and the lamb shall feed together,
          the lion shall eat straw like the ox;
          but the serpent - its food shall be dust!
     They shall not hurt or destroy
          on all my holy mountain,
                                          says the LORD.

Isaiah 65:17-25 (NRSV)

We have heavy hearts. Baby Melanie is in the arms of Jesus, and although we know that her pain has ended, we know too well the hard road her family and friends must now travel as they mourn the loss of her presence in their lives.

We have been neglectful in our updates. Melanie was able to come to the United States for an operation. This was actually facilitated by our adoption agency. They also started a "caring bridge" blog that tells the whole story that you can access here. I have been unable to read it, or really think about the situation, as it has been too overwhelmingly sad for me to handle in this already emotionally stressful time.

Melanie's operation was successful, but because her body had been wearing itself out compensating for the birth defect for so many months it did not have the strength to endure recovery.

Our hearts and prayers are with Patrick and Sarah, Melanie's parents, and Mark and Martha, her siblings.