Monday, 15 October 2012

The Last Thing I Expected at a "Rock Concert"

On Saturday night we took the boys to a "rock concert." Yes, they loved it!

A few weeks ago we got an email from Show Hope asking for volunteers at a show, and without even checking what show it was (I just checked the date/asked Jeff), I said yes. Honestly, we go to volunteer, not for the music, so it didn't really matter to me. It turned out to be Andrew Peterson, whom we had never heard before, and Caleb, who we had heard once and liked. Regardless, we knew the boys would think it was super cool.

Saturday turned out to be an awful day - it was just crazy trying to get all the cleaning, shopping, and so on done before we had to leave. Then we left and there was a big accident on our on ramp, it was raining, Google maps gave us bad directions, and once we figured out the correct directions we still missed the turn off. Since we were so late we didn't have time to stop and pick up dinner like we had planned. Needless to say, I was in a pretty unpleasant mood by the time we arrived, and was feeling less than my happy ready-to-volunteer self.

When we arrived we found out we were the only volunteers. I admit I was bummed. Last time we did this we worked with a large group of families, and it was very encouraging to hear their stories and to have some adoptive family camaraderie time. I was looking forward to a little of that, and so I added this to the increasingly long list of things that didn't work out the way I wanted them to . More stinky mood.

Anyhow, we manned the booth. The boys rocked out. We did our bit to represent Show Hope and pass out sponsor forms, I talked adoption with a few families considering it at intermission, and shared some more about Show Hope's mission. That helped a little.

After the break the boys danced and played air guitar/drums a whole lot more, and I got to talking with the woman who was in charge of Show Hope that night. You know how sometimes the thing that you were expecting or hoping for ends up not being what you need? And the thing that you get instead turns out to be what you should have hoped for in the first place? Well, that night I thought that I needed to hang with a whole bunch of families, but it turns out that God knew that I needed to spill my guts to an almost stranger (we met once before), and to talk about what He has done in our lives for the last few years. Apparently I needed to summarize and review the hard things that have happened so that I could be reminded of the amazing things that God has done despite the pain we had endured. I needed to be reminded that life is hard, but heaven will be sweet, I needed to remember that God will do beautiful things with my ashes.

After the conversation had progressed through Leah and Sickle Cell Disease, the woman said something to the effect of me seeming so peaceful despite all of the loss, and I totally lost it. Because my mom is dying and I am sad. So, so, so sad. And while I do believe that God can use this hurt too, right now I'm living where it just stinks, and I can't see past it. That's why I need the reminders. During the conversation I was thinking back to the time when Jeff and I received our Show Hope grant four years ago. I was deep in grief and even though we were working hard on our adoption it felt far from certain, and there were so many days when I wondered if we would ever have a living child. Three boys later, look what God has done. I know He will carry me through this valley, through these trials, into a place of abundance. I was losing sight of that, and He knew it, and I knew it, and so He rescued me through a simple conversation with an understanding person who could gently encourage me and speak a little truth and light into my darkness. Also, I apparently needed to sing a little Psalty, laugh about cleaning boy dirt off of carpets, discuss the benefits of living in small spaces, and talk about teenage awkwardness. Upon reflection it was a rather unusual conversation, but it was refreshing and renewing.

It wasn't the experience I anticipated, or the one I expected, but it was what I needed. And it was Good. Praise God.

1 comment:

Chelsea Lee said...

all i want to say is this: i love you so much- beyond words. i want you to know that no matter what pain comes across your path and no matter how deep it seems the valley goes, i love you and i'm here for whatever you need. you inspire me amy. you teach me daily what it means to be strong and weak, to carry sorrow and joy. but mostly you teach me how to rest in the arms of my savior. thank you so much for that.