Waiting...

I am officially a wreck. I barely slept last night, and I feel like I am going to throw-up. This feeling is one of the many reasons we chose not to go the domestic route. But how could I say no when they called?

I know that this is in God’s hands, but given the past six months, that doesn’t comfort me in regards to the amount of pain I might experience. If she doesn’t choose us, or changes her mind, I will know that this baby was not the one that God had in mind for our family. Then I will wonder why on earth God decided to put us through this. We have fragile hearts. We have lost so much in the last few months, and we do not feel ready or willing to lose again.

In the C.S. Lewis book that I quoted from yesterday, A Grief Observed, Lewis writes a metaphor depicting God as a surgeon. He describes how God, as a good surgeon, must continue his cutting and finish the operation no matter how badly it hurts the patient or how loudly the patient cries for mercy. If he stopped the surgery prior to its completion, the patient would be far worse off in the long run. The patient simply doesn’t have the perspective to realize this, so the surgeon cannot listen to his pleas.

I have no perspective. I don’t know if this opportunity is God’s answer to our pleas for a child, or if our “surgery” simply isn’t finished. That scares me. I don’t want to bleed anymore.