Today is my 28th birthday. And I don’t feel like celebrating.
I am grateful for another year of life, but this isn’t a season of celebration for me, it is a season of mourning.
Today I should resemble a small whale. I should have an aching back and numerous stretch marks. I should have a bag packed with pajamas and snacks ready to grab and take to the hospital. I should have a crib set up and a dresser full of little pink clothes.
Instead I have a memory box with footprints and blankets, pictures, a scrapbook, and a little teddy bear. It is not a fair trade.
I cannot both deal with the reality of Leah’s death and enjoy this day. And I’m giving myself permission to feel like not celebrating, and to do what I want. After all, it is my party.
A friend of mine sent me some information on Jewish mourning, and it has been invaluable to me as I learn to accept the burdens of sorrow. Jewish tradition requires stages of mourning, during which the community accepts that a grieving person will not participate in certain activities. As time passes, the bereaved person slowly reenters "normal" life. Although I have not specifically observed any of these stages, learning about them has validated many of my instincts and given me the courage to take things at my own pace.
Although I love the book of Ecclesiastes, I have never identified with the "time for everything" section, until now. Someday it will be our time to laugh and to dance. For now, it is time to weep and to mourn.
Ecclesiastes 3
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.
I am grateful for another year of life, but this isn’t a season of celebration for me, it is a season of mourning.
Today I should resemble a small whale. I should have an aching back and numerous stretch marks. I should have a bag packed with pajamas and snacks ready to grab and take to the hospital. I should have a crib set up and a dresser full of little pink clothes.
Instead I have a memory box with footprints and blankets, pictures, a scrapbook, and a little teddy bear. It is not a fair trade.
I cannot both deal with the reality of Leah’s death and enjoy this day. And I’m giving myself permission to feel like not celebrating, and to do what I want. After all, it is my party.
A friend of mine sent me some information on Jewish mourning, and it has been invaluable to me as I learn to accept the burdens of sorrow. Jewish tradition requires stages of mourning, during which the community accepts that a grieving person will not participate in certain activities. As time passes, the bereaved person slowly reenters "normal" life. Although I have not specifically observed any of these stages, learning about them has validated many of my instincts and given me the courage to take things at my own pace.
Although I love the book of Ecclesiastes, I have never identified with the "time for everything" section, until now. Someday it will be our time to laugh and to dance. For now, it is time to weep and to mourn.
Ecclesiastes 3
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.
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5 comments:
Amy, you are allowed to feel however you want today and any day. It's okay. Your healing will come in your own time. Continued prayers for you and Jeff.
Amy, you are grieving in such a healthy way. It will take time for you to heal and I pray that you will have all of the freedom in the world to go through this process.
I also pray that you would feel Jesus today and be comforted by His presence. I love you cousin and I hope you can have true rest on your birthday.
Take all the time you need. love you
I'm so glad that you feel the freedom to be truthful about what season you are living in. It would be heartbreaking if you were just putting on a happy face to appease other people. How amazing that God loves us each so personally that he takes the time to sit with us in our pain.
But I have a proposition for you. I understand that you aren't in a party mood; I can barely understand how you make it out of bed every day already. But I have to say that I have never wanted to celebrate you more!
Over the past seven months I have grown to love you more deeply than I could have imagined. We were good friends before, but the faithfulness and transparency that you have taught me is astounding. The way that you have let your life be an open book, and a lesson in how to glorify God in ALL seasons makes me so honored to know you.
So this year, let me celebrate for you. It won't involve cakes or paper hats; honestly my heart is still too tender for that as well. But I am thanking God for bringing you into this world and into my life. I'm rejoicing that he has given you the desire to serve him faithfully when others would not even dream it possible. I celebrate that you are an amazing mother who knew just what to do to take care of her precious baby. And I am so grateful that you allowed me to meet Leah and be part of her story. I know that she will always be part of mine.
So mourn your little girl, and the plans that you had for your family; God mourns with you.
Let me celebrate Leah's amazing Mom and rejoice in the plans that I know God has for your family.
I am so thankful for you Amy. I really couldn't ask for a better older sister, who loves God and trusts Him deeply and is also honest about the difficulties and realities of life right now. I am praying for you and for Jeff and love you so much. I think you have already read Mudhouse Sabbath, but I know there are also some thoughts in that about shiva...
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