As a first time mother, I was addicted to pregnancy books and websites about baby development. This "problem" began about as soon as I saw the plus sign on the pregnancy test. From these sources, I learned that around 18 weeks you can begin to feel the baby, and I anxiously awaited my "quickening," the miraculous time that you first feel the baby move.
Of course, one problem with being a first time mother is that you have no idea what it feels like to have a baby inside of you. Pregnancy brings lots of strange feelings to your stomach since it completely messes up your digestion. In retrospect, after weeks of feeling Leah roll, I am positive that I began to feel her around late week seventeen, when I started feeling these odd turning sensations. It was as if my organs were doing acrobatics, except that it was another person moving inside of me. Since I didn’t have any fluid cushioning her from my uterine wall, every time she moved it corresponded. These rolling movements were infrequent, as babies living without fluid have a harder time wiggling around. Thus I didn’t feel Leah consistently until she began kicking during week 23. The first kicks took me off guard, because the ultrasound had told us that the baby had such underdeveloped legs and arms. I wondered what on earth was prodding the inside of my stomach. As the bumps became more frequent and insistent, I realized the baby was kicking.
I usually felt the kicks when either lying down or sitting down and leaning forward a bit. As Leah grew I could feel them even when standing up. She kicked often when I would engage in extended conversation. Since I work at home most weekdays were pretty quiet for her, so on the weekends and the times when we would get together with people she would really go to town. Listening to music and singing along also elicited quite a response. One day a friend from church came over so Jeff and I could teach her some camp songs for kids, and as we sang and danced to the Fruit Song and other favorites Leah pounded my stomach like a drum. Clearly she was her Father's daughter.
Every night before we went to bed, Jeff and I would lie down for kicks and prayer. We would rub my belly to get Leah's attention, and she nearly always responded with at least a few good thumps. Jeff could put his hand on my belly and feel his baby rocking and rolling. Then we prayed for her continued health and for our wisdom to be good parents. Those times of family bonding are memories I treasure. Even though we knew that those kicks might be all the physical connection we ever had with our baby, it was a joyful and special time. We embraced those moments as the best we might ever have, and took care to make time for them.
As we began our very last ultrasound I mentioned to the technician that the baby had been kicking often. She seemed to think that was impossible given the underdevelopment of the baby’s legs, and suggested that it was spinal arching. When Leah was born her legs were indeed short, but they were pudgy and strong. She was definitely a kicker.
I wanted to share this aspect of our pregnancy especially for anyone who may come across this blog who is carrying a child with a negative diagnosis. When you first receive the bad news it is difficult to understand how you can continue to carry a child that cannot live without going crazy with grief. It is difficult, especially when you begin to look more and more pregnant as your baby grows. However, once the initial shock and grief subside you reach an acceptance of your situation, and with that comes an ability to appreciate the little time you have with your baby. There will be continued sorrow, but there will also be joy, and awe, and wonder, and many special moments. We found that our joy absolutely came to outweigh our sorrow. Each small kick brought us happiness that grief could not conquer.
Of course, one problem with being a first time mother is that you have no idea what it feels like to have a baby inside of you. Pregnancy brings lots of strange feelings to your stomach since it completely messes up your digestion. In retrospect, after weeks of feeling Leah roll, I am positive that I began to feel her around late week seventeen, when I started feeling these odd turning sensations. It was as if my organs were doing acrobatics, except that it was another person moving inside of me. Since I didn’t have any fluid cushioning her from my uterine wall, every time she moved it corresponded. These rolling movements were infrequent, as babies living without fluid have a harder time wiggling around. Thus I didn’t feel Leah consistently until she began kicking during week 23. The first kicks took me off guard, because the ultrasound had told us that the baby had such underdeveloped legs and arms. I wondered what on earth was prodding the inside of my stomach. As the bumps became more frequent and insistent, I realized the baby was kicking.
I usually felt the kicks when either lying down or sitting down and leaning forward a bit. As Leah grew I could feel them even when standing up. She kicked often when I would engage in extended conversation. Since I work at home most weekdays were pretty quiet for her, so on the weekends and the times when we would get together with people she would really go to town. Listening to music and singing along also elicited quite a response. One day a friend from church came over so Jeff and I could teach her some camp songs for kids, and as we sang and danced to the Fruit Song and other favorites Leah pounded my stomach like a drum. Clearly she was her Father's daughter.
Every night before we went to bed, Jeff and I would lie down for kicks and prayer. We would rub my belly to get Leah's attention, and she nearly always responded with at least a few good thumps. Jeff could put his hand on my belly and feel his baby rocking and rolling. Then we prayed for her continued health and for our wisdom to be good parents. Those times of family bonding are memories I treasure. Even though we knew that those kicks might be all the physical connection we ever had with our baby, it was a joyful and special time. We embraced those moments as the best we might ever have, and took care to make time for them.
As we began our very last ultrasound I mentioned to the technician that the baby had been kicking often. She seemed to think that was impossible given the underdevelopment of the baby’s legs, and suggested that it was spinal arching. When Leah was born her legs were indeed short, but they were pudgy and strong. She was definitely a kicker.
I wanted to share this aspect of our pregnancy especially for anyone who may come across this blog who is carrying a child with a negative diagnosis. When you first receive the bad news it is difficult to understand how you can continue to carry a child that cannot live without going crazy with grief. It is difficult, especially when you begin to look more and more pregnant as your baby grows. However, once the initial shock and grief subside you reach an acceptance of your situation, and with that comes an ability to appreciate the little time you have with your baby. There will be continued sorrow, but there will also be joy, and awe, and wonder, and many special moments. We found that our joy absolutely came to outweigh our sorrow. Each small kick brought us happiness that grief could not conquer.
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